the green house

“I need you to be ok…”

I remember hearing him say that to me. I remember what the grass felt like underneath me. I remember how numb and shakey I was. I couldn’t breathe. I remember the desperation in his voice.

“Please be ok. I need you to be ok…”

I was so angry that night. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry in my whole life. So angry that I wanted to trash myself and forget everything. Be numb. Have fun. It was a party, right?

That night is still kinda of a blur, though I remember a good amount of it. If that makes any sense. And sometimes, rarely, randomly, it bleeds into my dreams. The house. Some of the people. The music. The random conversations.

The silly part is, I don’t even remember why I was so mad.

It had to be a good reason, right? To willingly toss myself over the line I drew for myself in the sand should always be for a damn good reason, right?

But it was that night that made me see exactly where that line was and why I should never go over it again. I told myself that I would never do that again. And I’ve definitely stuck to that so far. To the point of “goodie two shoes”.

He did save me though. Let that be noted. He scooped me up and took me out of there.

If he was here right now, he’d probably say that night was the worst he’s ever seen me. And he’d probably say that he had no idea at the time that I was so mad. That angry…

My “too cool to care” attitude towards the bumps and scrapes. He’d always say that he knew I was really pissed about something if I wasn’t saying anything. If I was just silent. I wonder if he ever realized that maybe I just had nothing to say. That maybe me saying nothing was me saving myself from saying something I’d regret.

Such a weird dream last night….. to bring up such a memory like that.

 

So 398 blog views today. That is a serious number of hits right there.

It kinda frightens me a little.

That can’t be 398 seperate people! And that’s almost 400!

Becoming increasingly more aware of the eyeballs on me, which is why this blog is set to friends only tonight.

Because while I like the idea of being heard, something I have craved my entire life, almost 400 blog hits is still a lot.

And maybe I should be keeping a low profile.

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“I’ll know my purpose. This war was worth this. I won’t let you down.”

I try not to blog angry. So I waited to talk about this for a while. I needed the time to cool down and collect my thoughts.
Maybe say ‘om’ a few times.

I was discriminated against because I am a girl.

Or apparently I don’t look very smart.
Whatever the case, it pretty much sucked.

And you know what! Most of the time, I love being underestimated. No one expects anything from you that way.

But today…

I’m a smart girl.
It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve got going for me, so I’ll own it. I’m a smarty pants. And whatever you think I can’t do, I could probably do it in figure eight’s.

I don’t like it when someone assumes I can’t do something.
And the next time it happens and I smoke ’em out of the water like I did today, I hope they feel like the biggest ass ever.

In other places of my day today:

While getting Iced Tea at Dunkin Donuts, the song Whereever You Will Go by the Calling came on the radio. I stopped stirring the sugar in my Iced Tea and listened.

And thought of him.

That song always makes me think of him and I always stop dead in my tracks when I hear it.

I wonder if he knows how much I miss him all the time.

I should tell him more often. I don’t know why I don’t.

Or a handshake in the doorway

My favorite Killers song is On Top.

I don’t really know why I love that song so much.

It could be the beat.

Or the definite sexual innuendo in it.

“The day is breaking, we’re still here
Your body’s shaking, and it’s clear
You really need it, so let go
And let me beat it, but you know

That I’ve been down across the road or two
But now I’ve found the velvet sun
That shines on me and you

In the back, uh huh, I can’t crack
We’re on top
It’s just a shimmy and a shack, uh huh
I can’t fake, we’re on top
We’re on top
We bring the bump to the grind, uh huh
I don’t mind, we’re on top
It’s just a shimmy and a shack, uh huh
I can’t fake, we’re on top
We’re on top “

tee hee!

Whatever! I just love this song!! If I made a Top 20 favorite songs list, it would find it’s way among the middle of the list.

 

So a woman cut me off this weekend.

True story!

I was driving down 82 to get to my hair appointment when she pulls right out of one of the side streets in front of me. So close to hitting me.

So already I’m pissed.

I’m driving behind her. We are coming upon a red light that’s about to turn green and giving a green arrow to turn left. She puts her left blinker on and then comes to a screeching halt at the green arrowed light.

After 3 seconds of this, looking at all the cars across from us not going because of their red light and her not turning left on her green arrow at all, I am going nuts! I’m waving my arms pointing at the unmoving cars across the way and pointing at her green arrow. Yelling “Go, You God Damn Wench!” in my car with all my windows up, knowing she probably can’t hear me. She looks at me in her rear view mirror though. She’s waving her arms at me.

Now I do something that I don’t normally do. Ready for this?

I gave her the middle finger.

I bet you are thinking, “so what?”, right?

I was raised to be polite. If you hang out with me a lot, you’ve probably noticed I use the words “Thank you!” and “I’m sorry” a lot.

And god knows I am very capable of swearing like a truck driver, although I’m good about not doing that during “work mode” and “parental mode”.

But I hardly ever give someone the middle finger. Maybe I feel it’s un lady like to do that. Maybe it’s just too much effort to extend my middle finger at someone rather than just swear at them. Whatever the case, I hardly use my middle finger.

Every time I use my middle finger, it’s like it has a drum beat soundtrack to it. It’s like, “BAM!!”

And the lady sees it, I can see her gasp in her car (notice she’s still at a complete stop at a green arrow left turn light with her blinker on.) and she gives me the middle finger.

I didn’t even care!! To me, my middle finger had more weight to it because of the rarity of it’s usage. And I stared this bitch down with my middle finger raised high.

She turned off her left turn signal and drove straight, just as the green arrow went away.

Why didn’t she take her god damn turn? Why did she have to make a complete stop at a green arrow light with no cars in her way to not make her turn? And did my rarely used middle finger scare her out of making her turn? Or was she a crackhead?

A mystery.

 

My story probably seems pointless, right?

I’m a huge believer in karma and the power of three, so next time something bad happens to me, I can guarantee that the first thing I will think of is this exact moment described. And I’ll think to myself, “So this is my karma.’

Because god knows that lady could have been choking on her wintergreen lifesaver and looking for the walk in clinic (that is on the left side on that street, but further down from where she was holding people up) while trying to hide her crack and I might have totally disoriented her with all my crazy arm waving and middle finger pointing.

 

I could go into the Butterfly effect too, but maybe I’ll save that for another post on another day.

October Fog

So I’m feeling better today than I was. I can downgrade my condition from a Category four of feeling like death to a Category two of feeling like crap.

Yep!! I just created a grading system for being sick.

Category 1- feeling weird

Category 2- feeling like crap

Category 3- feeling like garbage

Category 4 – feeling like death

Category 5 – actually dying

yes sir.. far too much time on my hands right now.

 

So things I hate!!

People going 40 on the highway. Seriously, those people cause accidents! You are not doing anyone any favors by going slower than death and it’s even worse when you are in the way of people who are trying to merge onto the highway.

The minimum speed on the highway should be 55 and those people going 40 should be ticketed for disrupting the flow of traffic.

My life flashed before my eyes when this guy pulled out into the fast lane in front of me going 40 and continued to go 40. No picking up speed. No nothing. And I’m watching the car behind me hit their brakes. And so on and so forth. I was grateful not to hit them and then I was just praying the people behind me wouldn’t hit me.

And you could tell me, “blah blah blah.. why you driving so fast? blah. blah. blah.”

I wasn’t.

 

So that’s my rant today.

fin.