“I need you to be ok…”
I remember hearing him say that to me. I remember what the grass felt like underneath me. I remember how numb and shakey I was. I couldn’t breathe. I remember the desperation in his voice.
“Please be ok. I need you to be ok…”
I was so angry that night. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry in my whole life. So angry that I wanted to trash myself and forget everything. Be numb. Have fun. It was a party, right?
That night is still kinda of a blur, though I remember a good amount of it. If that makes any sense. And sometimes, rarely, randomly, it bleeds into my dreams. The house. Some of the people. The music. The random conversations.
The silly part is, I don’t even remember why I was so mad.
It had to be a good reason, right? To willingly toss myself over the line I drew for myself in the sand should always be for a damn good reason, right?
But it was that night that made me see exactly where that line was and why I should never go over it again. I told myself that I would never do that again. And I’ve definitely stuck to that so far. To the point of “goodie two shoes”.
He did save me though. Let that be noted. He scooped me up and took me out of there.
If he was here right now, he’d probably say that night was the worst he’s ever seen me. And he’d probably say that he had no idea at the time that I was so mad. That angry…
My “too cool to care” attitude towards the bumps and scrapes. He’d always say that he knew I was really pissed about something if I wasn’t saying anything. If I was just silent. I wonder if he ever realized that maybe I just had nothing to say. That maybe me saying nothing was me saving myself from saying something I’d regret.
Such a weird dream last night….. to bring up such a memory like that.
So 398 blog views today. That is a serious number of hits right there.
It kinda frightens me a little.
That can’t be 398 seperate people! And that’s almost 400!
Becoming increasingly more aware of the eyeballs on me, which is why this blog is set to friends only tonight.
Because while I like the idea of being heard, something I have craved my entire life, almost 400 blog hits is still a lot.
And maybe I should be keeping a low profile.