Archive for July, 2009


On all those hour drives home from the hospital at night, I would always look up at the stars and be so grateful to whatever higher powers live up in those cosmos for letting him stay. This earth just wouldn’t have been the same without him.
I wouldn’t have been the same.

You can hate someone and love them at the same time, you know. As nonsense as that sounds.

As much as I really hate him right now, I still find myself staring up at those stars from time to time. And thanking those higher powers for letting him stay on this earth.

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The sun in my eyes. The not so open road. Our drive back from Bradley International.

“I can’t believe such a small thing would still make me so angry.” I tell my friend in the passenger seat. “If that could make me go into an anger spiral, then that’s probably not good.”

“Well what did you expect?”

“I don’t know! I should probably be over it by now.”

He shook his head and said, “It’s only been a few months.”

He is probably one of the few people I know who probably has a really good idea what I’m going through. And to hear him say that, it made me feel like I’m probably doing all the normal things one would do that had just gone through what I did. And maybe taking all the time that I need is not a bad thing.

I’m really glad he’s back.

Wishes Guys would…

….. Say what they mean and mean what they say.

So I know I’m not suppose to be picky in these tough times, but these guys really weirded me out. Big time!

Twice!

(Why I went back for a second round of weirdness is beyond me….)

I’ll find my own way. I’m not running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.

My inner voice said “run!” on this one.
I listened.

She could be a model.

So I had an interview today to be a model.

Yea… I’m not fucking with you. And when I got this phone call, I got a good laugh. Me? A model? That’s absurd! What?? And I dreaded actually going to this interview with fears that they would tell me I wasn’t pretty enough. Which is, also, probably absurd.

They loved me! They loved my red hair and blue eyes. “That red hair and those blue eyes! Wow!” They toured me around their agency. They are the biggest model and talent agency in the state.

And when I told them I’d think about it and shook hands, I actually walked out with fantasies of a huge White Mansion in the Hamptons next to Diddy, my own line of designer handbags, and a baseball player boyfriend (probably a yankee. I don’t want to jinx my red sox with a relationship).

I did turn it down in the end. I just can’t afford the fees they wanted for photos and teaching me how to walk a catwalk.

But it was fun to think about for an hour.

Sbagliando s’impara

One learns from his mistakes”

I can’t help but think about the blog with the bird on it. And if it were still putting thoughts out into cyberspace, what kind of words it would have if he knew how my unbelievable year went down…

You can’t help who you love. And people don’t walk around with “letdown” tattooed to their foreheads.

Every choice that I had made, up to this point, has always felt like the right thing for me to do. And if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a single decision.

Not everyone is going to let me down.
I have to start believing that again.

It’s time for me to get up now.

Is it weird that I might be entirely too frightened of relationships to give any guy a chance right now?

Seriously… lots of wonderful guys around me and I can’t even look one in the eye for fear of giving off signals.

It’s quite possible that my last relationship has literally tramatized me.

heh.

Well… maybe not.
But I do need the break. It definitely got pretty exhausting. “You look so rested!” Right….

There have been one or two that I might consider looking in the eye. 😉

But mostly… I have a lot of decisions to make.
And time is moving a lot faster than I expected.