Archive for August, 2009


that floppy hat

A few years ago (I say ‘a few years ago’ because it makes me feel less old), Josh and I were walking around a mall in MA.
We walked by a Build a Bear and I stopped short and was like, “What is this?”
He was like, “You’ve never seen a Build a Bear before?” And he proceeded to explain to me what it was, right down to the little heart that you blow on and what not to put inside the bear.
I really wanted to do it at that point! So we went inside and picked out a plain tan bear and went through the whole process. I made him blow on the heart. We went over to the bear clothes where he picked out this floppy tan fishing hat. I picked out bear boxers because I couldn’t let the bear be naked. And when it came time to enter it’s name in the computer, I thought it would be so funny to name the bear Josh.
To this day, the Josh bear sits on my bed. Has traveled with me to many places, including visiting my sister at college.
Looking at it makes me think about that day in mall.

I really am doing a whole lot better actually.

Maybe my ‘New Moon’ phase is coming to a non dramatic end.

And I know my friends are the reason that I feel better and better every day. My friends are amazing people.

Now… I really do need to focus on getting through half of one of my classes before the end of August.

I keep getting distracted.

Sometimes I can’t understand why I get so sad.

I’m in a good position right now to do and go where ever I want (once I decide what I want to do and where I want to go, that is).

And I have a vacation from life in the time being.

My friend telling me that I should be enjoying myself because eventually I’ll have to get back into the rat race. The “working hard for the money” earning a living stresses.

And while everyone can’t seem to wait for me to start “dating” again, I leave it all up to Karmic Synergy!

If you put positive thoughts out into the universe, positive things will start coming back to you.

Ever

The wake was so surreal. And I hugged my wonderful and completely brave and strong friend so tight. I’m still so worried about her. But she had the bravest face I’ve ever seen.

It’s strange how life works sometimes.

I’m hoping that eventually that strange will turn into some good strange and stop being all this really bad strange.

It can’t be like this forever.

In March, I thought my whole world had fallen apart.

And I have spent every day since picking up the pieces.

It’s getting to the point where the good days are starting to outnumber the bad ones.

I’m hoping that, one day, I’ll wake up and find that I don’t have any piece left to pick up because my world will be rebuilt. Better than before.

I need to start being patient with myself and my process of grieving.

But just because I’m still picking up the pieces doesn’t mean I’m not ready to add some new beams into the construction.

August

On that August night, when I got the phone call that he was in the hospital. The words “They don’t know if he’s gonna make it…” hitting me like bricks.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. Maybe a combined hour. Because every few minutes I’d wake up in tears, check my phone, look at the clock, squeeze my silly little shark, and cry until I drifted off again.

Minutes later, sometimes seconds, I’d wake up again. And do the entire thing over again.The entire night.

I didn’t want to go to sleep and wake up to news that he wasn’t here anymore. I didn’t want to fall asleep and lose him.

Almost a year later, even with how things turned out for us, I actually feel very lucky. It really all could have been so much worse.

And I feel so horrible and so very worried for my wonderful friend. Right now, she’s going through my worst nightmare. And I know there is nothing anyone can do.

the end of the world…

There’s been a few curveballs lately.

And I’ve been thinking…

What would I actually want to go do if I knew the world was about to end?

I use to have an answer for this. It was a simple one.

But things change.

So what would I do now?

I might start a small business overcharging “asteroid collision” to people. “Red Giant heat” insurance. “Comet flare” insurance.

heh. (Apparently I assume something cosmic will take out our planet.)

There are lot of things I’d want to go see. (Aside from everything!!)

Rome, for one. I’d really love to see Rome.

I’d want to drive the entire Route 66 to see exactly the places it ran through for myself.

I’d like to get rocked hardcore by a wave in Australia. So hard that the pain numbs my body for hours.

I’d want to go snowboarding in Utah. (Well… learn, and then attempt, and hopefully not fall down too much.)

I’d want to go back to Scotland and take a boat out on Loch Ness for a day and look for Nessie.

I’d want to go back to Ireland.

I’d drive the three hours to go get a Coldbuster Jabba Juice. (And maybe go hunt for Yogurtland in NYC. I love yogurt.)

I’d take out a loan I could never pay off on a completely grossly over priced house on Huntington Beach. And then I’d spend every morning watching the sun raise and every night watching the sun set on that beach.

There is one person I can think of that I’d knock on his door and jump on him when he opened it. Regardless of what happened after that. (And I’d be really open to what happened after that actually. As long as it wasn’t along the lines of tossing me back out.)
I’d throw an End of the World party (with tons and tons of tequila), so I could have all my friends and family with me.

 

I’d want to go out knowing that I was always true to myself and the things I believe in. That I had no regrets.

As I wait on this phone call, I try not to worry. That everything is probably fine and that my impatience is just making me crazy.

And that it’s probably not the end of the world.

But what if it could be?