Archive for October, 2009


easier

As I poke my fork at the mushrooms in my “endless salad”, I listen to my friend tell me how proud he is that I’m standing my ground on this and not giving in.

I think about that now…. There’s nothing to give in to.

Sometimes a betrayal is just too deep to be repaired.

It doesn’t happen very often. This might be the second time in my entire life where it was just too much damage.

It makes me sad and it feels like this gaping wound that will definitely leave a large scar once it’s healed.

but, as my other friend told me, it’ll make me stronger. And apparently more aware.

oh… How aware i am now.

It looks like i’m starting to regain my old luck back. That’s a good start.

a shift

It’s nice to finally feel like the tides starting to turn and that I finally get to have some control back.

hopefully it’ll keep going up from here.

solid ground

I want to think that I was right all along. That my faith wasn’t entirely misplaced.

But it doesn’t change anything.

how strong do you think I am

l use to tell people he was the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
I use to tell everyone how smart and wonderful he was.
I would tell anyone that would listen to me, strangers on the bus next to me, about the boy i loved so much.

And though my tales have changed since then, i find myself still telling the same things to people. Even though it now ends with him breaking my heart.

if someone told me 6 years ago that things were going to be this way, i would have adamently fought them on it with my love and faith in him as my bases of arguement. Never in a million years had i ever doubted his love for me.

now about “6 months later”, i find my anger wavering a little. Forgiveness very far from being found. But still, being less angry and focused on other things means i’m getting better.

i never thought i’d ever be sitting here asking myself which him was the real him. And if i was so wrong to believe him.

all i do know is that i believed me.