Archive for April, 2010

faith in humanity

“if i can keep from curling in a fetal position, you can have just a little faith in humanity.”
it’s funny that i’m his female consultant since my last relationship was an apolocalypse and my female dating reactions certainly haven’t been the same since.

his ghost follows me. and it’s everywhere. and it’s annoying and randomly upsetting. as lame as that is that i’m still not over it, these things are bound to happen when you loved someone.
but his ghost keeps me from being open to other opportunities. i’m trying through. god knows i did give bdj a good hearty try. i just wasn’t int him. and criminal guy, he gets absolutely no shot because i decided to never date anyone who couldn’t pass a background check ever again.

while in my guilded cage, i’m been tending my wounds and working on myself. because the only control i have is over myself.

and, while i don’t know where i’ll actually end up, i’m keeping the faith in karmic snergy and humanity. and that’s what i’m going to keep telling my terribly close friend.

it’s all you can do.

cynical zombies

Sometimes I worry that the big TL only comes around once. The TL being True Love.
And while my bitterness into the idea of love is pretty obvious these days, I can’t completely be cast into the role of cynic just yet. Because I know it exists. I had it. I fought for it. I spent 8 years of my life going above and beyond for it. It was in me and effected me. If I was dying right now, I could say that I had truly loved.
And I think about that. And it’s ridiculious for me to think I won’t get that chance again (hopefully with someone waaaayyyy better and more mature).

I honestly think I could find love again in my next place I go. I’m not too worried.

I just think about the big TL sometimes. And how he probably wasn’t the one.


what i’m looking for in the next one:

well i’d like him to be nice to me. (he better be!)

understand me. get me.
blah blah blah

not try to tell me what to do or run my life.

someone who is actually interested in me and wants to be there with me.

and, of course, there’s my bruce factor. gotta understand that.

someone who’s fun and cool and awesome.

but really, i want someone who i can’t stop kissing.
someone that when i kiss him, the world stops. and makes me not want it to start again.

if i’m not sitting there thinking about what it’d be like to kiss you when i first meet you, well that’s a done deal right there.
and pretty much what i’m going to use as my gauge from now on.

he’s definitely no evan

sometimes i wonder…
if i had just said how i felt…
maybe the last 9 years of my life would have been different.

i imagine alternative universe cc did tell him and that she got that life over in alt-universe number 5.

i know i wasn’t ready to say it at the time. and i didn’t think he could have handled it.

so i can’t wish to go back and say it because 19 year old me wouldn’t have said it.

it’s probably all for the best because we both really did want to be in different places (though that didn’t go as planned either).

he’s just “that guy”. he’s my “that guy”. my glove.

i just don’t know sometimes…