I think I realized lately that the most stressful frightening thing in the world is not knowing something. Not understanding why something is. What’s going to happen next. All frightening.

I gave up so much of my life and myself to this one person. Stuck by him through the worst (woh woh worst) and the best. And it was (of course, because i loved him, but also) because i was so sure how we were going to end. this future i saw so clearly because it was all i wanted with him.

of course he screwed that up and that didn’t happen. leaving me in a horrible case of the unknown.

losing everything at once can do that to a person though.

so here i was, in my self exiled cave. driving over hill and dale to escape it. and i know that every near miss since with a guy has been my fault. they have all been my fault.

but now i’m in this place again. and i found something that i want again. a potential future for myself that i will kill for. and i can’t help but think…. why stop there… it’s time to come out.

he was a douche that didn’t deserve me. that much was truly obvious to everyone but myself. but i let it stop me from seeing a possible future with someone else.

now ex b (we’ll call this next one, ex b), he’s my cappie. my soft landing. he’s always been around for me. always wanting to see me. and my feelings for him have never gone away. i get in a room with him and it’s like, “god, i miss him”. but i always think that he’s so over me. he just wants to be friends. blah blah blah.

but it occurs to me…

if his aren’t there anymore, then why would he bug me to hang out with him every few months.

if i meant nothing, why would he care to see me at all.

i never thought of that until now. honestly, i just thought he was messing with me. that the universe was messing with me.

maybe losing everything makes asking the hard questions easier.

and maybe i’ll confront him on that….