Category: Uncategorized


Keep trying

I miss him! Months since my last post and my tune is still the same.

I always miss him. He was my best friend. He was my good feeling. He made everything better.

I texted him today. Just a hi. Nothing crazy. Not that I missed him. Or that I was thinking about him. Just a hi.

Do I expect a response? Not really. It would be nice.

I hate not having him in my world. It’s like this void that I try to ignore all the time.

But sometimes…. something catches… the thought of his amazing smile… and it’s like everything around me stops. And I have to stop. Catch myself.

I wonder if he misses me where ever he is. If he thought about me. If there are times where he experiences the same catch in his world. If he’s standing at the edge of a rooftop bar in Venice Beach, looks out at the ocean, and wonders about me too.

I loved him. I know that. Why didn’t I just tell him that?

I miss him all the time. So occassionally I text him. Because I can’t give up. He means way too much.

I have way too many “he”‘s and “him”‘s in my posts. But here’s the deal. This one here in this one. The he in Cali. He is the only he that really matters.

The rest are past that I sometimes need to come here and talk about to air out hurt.

The guy in Cali is the only one who matters to me. If only he knew…

And the truth is…

I miss you! I miss you all the time!
My life just hasn’t been the same since you left. You made me feel so sincerely and ridulciously happy all the time.

He may be my ghost, but you… you are the person that I miss so much that it hurts. I wish you’d haunt me!! I wish your voice was still in my head because it made me better.

I wish I could have leapt across the country to be with you. It was so what I wanted to do more than anything. To drink wine in our pajamas. And Cali was my dream. You would have been this amazing bonus.

I was a coward. I was afraid of failing. And I was afraid that you found me far more flawless and appealing from 3000 miles away.

The moment you saw a flaw in me, you disappeared. So maybe my fear wasn’t so unfounded.

It wasn’t all you though. I was scared. It didn’t know what I would do if you weren’t there anymore.

I miss you. So much that it hurts. And my life just hasn’t been the same without you.

I’m not the most forgiving person in the world. (understatement.)

Something said in such a subtle way can catch in my brain and replay for days.

And they start to sound like pot shots.

Not everyone is my friend.

I know this.

As cheerful and friendly I try to be to get along with people, just because I get along with someone doesn’t make them my friend.

I’m not the most forgiving person in the world. I never forget anything.

Looking back…

I remember sitting in that shrink’s office 4 years ago. Looking at the ceiling and the walls. Holding a box of tissues between my hands. I had been crying for weeks. Not eating and crying.

He had asked me what I wanted to talk about. And all I could think was, ‘Where do I start?’

Do I talk about the accident? Or do I go back further? Do I talk about…. everything?

I went into necessary amounts of detail because I’ve been trained that everyone is on a need to know bases. And at the end of that session, I was handed a journal. The idea of the journal was to write everything I was feeling, thinking, and seeing down. So that it wouldn’t dwell in me. That by putting all that somewhere, I’d be ok.

The journal turned into this blog. And it took me a year after seeing that shrink to really start to write things down about my feelings towards the accident, the boy, and…. well, everything! Because he put me through hell. All that had to go somewhere.

I think about that journal and I think about how that was suppose to help me. In a way, coming here and airing out the memories and what I’m feeling now… it does help. It doesn’t entirely fix me. But it helps.

What happened… everything that happened… I can’t just get over that. It’s not something you simply get over.

But I learn to live with it every day.

And I try not to get frightened of every guy that seems interesting enough to get to know.

I do get frightened. But I TRY not to.

Siren

I just needed to talk to him today. Even if it was bad and disruptive, I needed him today. I couldn’t help myself.

I wish things were different sometimes.

I think about how he rescued the letter from Housing. How he said he found there on a desk. And when he put it in hands, I remember staring at it, feeling relief, and holding it to my chest… as he explained to me that he had found it.

How did it stray so far from it’s intended course of me?

I can’t help but wonder that the reason he ran was because he felt threatened by the boy in the letter.

And was he really falling for me?

And was he so daft that he couldn’t see that I was falling for him. And that the boy in the letter should have felt threatened by him.

the unknown

I think I realized lately that the most stressful frightening thing in the world is not knowing something. Not understanding why something is. What’s going to happen next. All frightening.

I gave up so much of my life and myself to this one person. Stuck by him through the worst (woh woh worst) and the best. And it was (of course, because i loved him, but also) because i was so sure how we were going to end. this future i saw so clearly because it was all i wanted with him.

of course he screwed that up and that didn’t happen. leaving me in a horrible case of the unknown.

losing everything at once can do that to a person though.

so here i was, in my self exiled cave. driving over hill and dale to escape it. and i know that every near miss since with a guy has been my fault. they have all been my fault.

but now i’m in this place again. and i found something that i want again. a potential future for myself that i will kill for. and i can’t help but think…. why stop there… it’s time to come out.

he was a douche that didn’t deserve me. that much was truly obvious to everyone but myself. but i let it stop me from seeing a possible future with someone else.

now ex b (we’ll call this next one, ex b), he’s my cappie. my soft landing. he’s always been around for me. always wanting to see me. and my feelings for him have never gone away. i get in a room with him and it’s like, “god, i miss him”. but i always think that he’s so over me. he just wants to be friends. blah blah blah.

but it occurs to me…

if his aren’t there anymore, then why would he bug me to hang out with him every few months.

if i meant nothing, why would he care to see me at all.

i never thought of that until now. honestly, i just thought he was messing with me. that the universe was messing with me.

maybe losing everything makes asking the hard questions easier.

and maybe i’ll confront him on that….

la la la

What if I completely blew it when he proclaimed his love for me?

While still a bit intense…

Just because I’m not good at saying how I feel doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there.

this guy once told me that everything always works out in the end.

that was almost 15 years ago, and those words still resonate with me.

because they’re true! he was right!

good or bad, things always work out the way they are suppose to.

that’s probably why i don’t regret anything. i follow a lot of my whims and my heart, say what i feel needs to be said, and i let the fall out fall on me. and i take it because i know i did it with no regrets and when it’s over, i’m going to come out of it ok. or even better.

the tricky part is always the fall out, whether it’s my own doing or not. you just have to remember that things always work out in the end.

i’ve always believed him on that. and probably always will.

that’s what i’ve lived by my whole life since that day at his locker.

hide and seek

As soon as you start feeling like you have something to lose, that’s when the game changes.

faith in humanity

“if i can keep from curling in a fetal position, you can have just a little faith in humanity.”
it’s funny that i’m his female consultant since my last relationship was an apolocalypse and my female dating reactions certainly haven’t been the same since.

his ghost follows me. and it’s everywhere. and it’s annoying and randomly upsetting. as lame as that is that i’m still not over it, these things are bound to happen when you loved someone.
but his ghost keeps me from being open to other opportunities. i’m trying through. god knows i did give bdj a good hearty try. i just wasn’t int him. and criminal guy, he gets absolutely no shot because i decided to never date anyone who couldn’t pass a background check ever again.

while in my guilded cage, i’m been tending my wounds and working on myself. because the only control i have is over myself.

and, while i don’t know where i’ll actually end up, i’m keeping the faith in karmic snergy and humanity. and that’s what i’m going to keep telling my terribly close friend.

it’s all you can do.